Do fears hibernate like reptiles? Are they similar to anxieties?
To my mind, most fears are external, caused by people and circumstances. Anxieties are internal – they could be unshared thoughts that scare us or cause uneasiness.
I eliminated my fears long back, having convinced myself that nothing scares me. I could face all kinds of people – the angry mother, the bullying brother, the intimidating boss, clever and selfish friends, the insecure colleagues, the indignant parents and some unruly students staring at me, with dagger eyes!
Interviews have never given me any nervous feeling albeit I have failed many.
I always had the courage to say whatever I wanted to… I have been called outspoken and rude for my temerity to stand up to injustice.
I always tried to close my eyes to those shadows of the past that followed me, warning them that they were powerless.
I have emerged out of them, knowing well that I could vanquish them with the bold spirit that I seem to have inherited.
That sinking of the heart when the airplane shudders in the air, that same feeling when the earthquake strikes is the only conscious and uncontrollable fear that lurks around me and I tell myself… ‘Well, I am not afraid of death. I am ready for it!’
As a child, whenever I closed my eyes to sleep, a small web like circle would always go round and round, multiplying itself into many. I could never interpret them or share that fear with anybody. Too scared to see it in reality, I would close my eyes tighter and they would keep on spinning, creating a contraction in my heart and a lump in my throat.
I could deal with those unknown fears alone. I have never shared this visual with anyone, thinking nobody would believe me. I knew I would be scoffed at.
I refused to struggle with the external fears and told myself that they are just a creation of my mind.
Intimidation could never affect me. My positive thoughts were stronger than bullying or accepting defeat.
Even after all these experiences with fear, after having defeated all of them, some fears are quite strange and inexplicable as they return in my dreams, even now.
May be in my eagerness to fight all kinds of fears, they got entrenched in my subconscious mind, revealing themselves only in dreams and that too in a vague, weird manner!
Whenever I have a feeling of insecurity or distress, I sleep badly. The nightmares are not very intense but I often wake up, having lost, unable to cross a water body or being surrounded by a sudden surge of water. If I try to take a different route to return home, water bars my way.
This recurrent dream has been quite consistent and whenever it returns, a grim reminder hits me – you can dismiss fears, bury them, forget them but you can’t completely wipe them out of your system as they slide into the inner recesses of our mind and get activated in the most unexpected manner.
I share my fears only with my inner voice.
I have been learning to calm them down with the most logical approach that fear is an innate emotion; all fears are a product of this emotion.
Can we eliminate an inborn emotion? Then why do we delude ourselves with the belief that we can obliterate ‘fear’ out of our minds?
I have written about this delusion.
You can click to read more: Swamped By Fears? The Real Monsters…
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