Confessions Of A Writer Who Loses Track And Feels Disillusioned…

counter-writers-block

I have been trying to write a book, trying to compress most of the experiences of my life, honestly into it but each time I go back to those pages, some kind of darkness descends on me.

I get wedged in those dark corridors. I feel stifled.

My thoughts veer into those unknown crevices where I have buried many setbacks, a thousand emotions and disappointments, which have been struggling to wriggle out.

I have endeavored to approach it from a different angle, interspersing it with fictional characters and situations to camouflage the darker moments but each time I have returned disillusioned.

My progress has been dismally slow; I lose the inspiration just after writing a few words. Meanwhile I have completed two books. My poetry flows most naturally and this has been a good reminder that I lack the will to come out of those long, narrow alleys, face sunshine and move forward.

The hope

But sunshine has been my lifeline, my motivation, and my most trusted friend who has always provided me the impetus to welcome positive thoughts.

I have been pondering who is the real culprit and why this unknown entity lurks around me…

There is one main character with ghost like eyes, prying at me all the time, holding my hands, scaring the life out of my fingers, paralyzing them, shooting at my thoughts, stealing all the ideas, showing daggers and making me quit.

Each time its approach is different. Sometimes it visits me right in the morning, even before I open my journal, exerting a strange power over my actions, distracting me into some meaningless activities.

The vice like grip of this monster holds all the words that seem to drift away, leaving me powerless.

There is always a villain, I reassure myself. I have the liberty to portray this villain in the darkest shades.

Devilish influenceLove Of Writing

Whenever I move ahead with this argument in my mind, I can race through some more pages, which reveal many more fiends, glowering at me through the words.

I refuse to give up. Nothing can bog me down. I continue to write. A day will come when all these devilish characters would stand exposed.

They will lose their hold on me one day.

Do I regret having buried them? Probably that was the only solution at that time.

Probably I didn’t have the maturity to handle their power at that juncture.

Now I can’t let them keep visiting me. Now I need to extort them out of my life. Words are more powerful than the sharpest weapons.

So I have been using just words.

“If I waited till I felt like writing, I’d never write at all.” – Anne Tyler

Thank you for reading these random thoughts. I know you too have some. Please share them.

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Balroop Singh.

 

 

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39 thoughts on “Confessions Of A Writer Who Loses Track And Feels Disillusioned…

  1. I sympathise with you that your next book is coming along slowly. I am currently writing my first book but progress is much slower than I expected – reliving hard stories in my head isn’t pleasant and so hard to express in words. Sometimes we are afraid of our past because it’s painful, and also perhaps we fear that they will happen again.

    Learning lessons is never easy but it’s the only way we grow. I find that what helps is first jotting down what I want to write – good or bad memories – down in dot points and slowly building a sentence and then another sentence and then a story from there. As cilche as this sounds, slow and steady wins the race. Good luck, Balroop 🙂

    1. Hi Mabel,

      Thanks a ton for the encouragement! You are SO right…reliving those moments, pondering on the details and sifting what is worthwhile is the real challenge. For me past has never been scary but painful…yes, it was…no longer so as I have detached myself, distanced myself in such a way that it cannot touch me any longer.

      My resilience keeps me going and i have earned it with great effort. Thanks for very meaningful tips, I am trying to follow them.
      My sincerest wishes are with you, dear friend for your first book 🙂

      1. Painful past. I sympathise with that too. Detaching ourselves away from the past is a good thing as that’s how we learn and move forward. But to honestly share our story, we always have to go back and bring it out of the closet again for a bit. Sharing is caring, that’s what I keep telling myself with each blog post I write.

        Good luck, Balroop. You can do it 🙂

  2. I definitely know what you mean Balroop. It’s when we sit down with our pen and paper that we feel like words are drifting away from us. How strange!
    Personnal stories are some of the most difficult to pen, cause there is so much in them, so much we want to share but so many bad memories attaches to so many characters.
    You are on the right track Balroop. Wishing you all the best with this new book. You may take tiny steps, there are still steps towards pages and the achievment of your dreams.
    Lots of love to you

    1. Hi Marie,

      Words never drift away when I write poems…isn’t it weird? I agree with you, personal stories are harder to write but I am trying to fictionalise it, adding few incidents from imagination to make it more interesting and that could be the reason of getting stuck. Putting some characters in the right perspective also is my stumbling point.

      I seem to know my weaknesses so well! Thanks for the wishes and the encouraging words. I shall overcome!
      Much love from my side too. Stay blessed!

  3. May I ask Balroop, why you feel that a book is the right medium for these thoughts? Semi-fictionalising is an excellent idea and lends far more scope for the narrative and overarching theme, I agree. But why a book rather than a blog, which in some ways might seem a more natural fit perhaps?

    1. Hi Hariod,

      I have always felt that books are for eternity. Do they ever die? I have kept my poetry book – the only one in print – in my little study back home, where I no longer live, thinking my great grand children would find it when they go and explore my things and would surely look at such souvenirs that I have buried for them.

      Though I keep saying I am detaching myself from emotional moments but I guess certain emotions keep boomeranging to remind me what I am!
      Thank you for raising very relevant questions. I hope you would appreciate why I consider a book to be a better medium.

      1. I certainly understand Balroop, and agree with you that books are for eternity. On that very point, then just yesterday I wrote to a dear friend who is seeking to compile a record of her poetry. This is what I said:

        “I can’t see you feeling altogether comfortable with something that isn’t a pleasing artefact in its own right. You want something that feels and smells as richly textured as the words within don’t you? You want beautifully grained paper pages, stitching, cloth – ‘the heavens’ embroidered cloths, enwrought with golden and silver light’ – and just a very few words resting elegantly upon them. Something for eternity.”

        What a coincidence!

      2. You have a rare quality of the celebrated writers Hariod. I am touched by the beautiful combination of words to say that books in their traditional form are a treasure to precious to let them take the digital form just for convenience. Yes, their celestial smell and velvety feel conveys their love for humanity.

        Thank you dear friend for sharing this bouquet of words weaved so well!

  4. Perseverance is the key. Keep playing with your words and themes, perhaps in a cloud system (free flowing) rather than outlining and a theme may arise and tie it together.

    1. Thank you Suzi for weaving the magic of words to convey your view. I have a great capacity to persevere…I am known for my persistent efforts amongst my near and dear ones but I suspect writing a book requires much more than that. I have been trying to figure out all those qualities, which might be missing.

  5. Hi Balroop,

    I know what you mean dear friend, and all that you must be going through 🙂

    It’s not easy to take out the time to free yourself and your soul and write…especially if it’s about your own self, and the past, which at times can cause many barriers for us, as we find it tough to deal with our thoughts, if they were bitter.

    But you are SO good in your work, and have already written books, and your poems are so awesome. So, it’s just a matter of time before you give yourself that push and get it all done. Perhaps setting a routine or fixed time to pen a few words daily might help – just an hour of writing for example, and then close it up for the day.

    Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂

    1. Hi Harleena,

      Thanks for understanding me so well dear but even when I have the time, the soul eludes me and creates invisible barriers, which can’t even be slashed down! Certain thoughts come and refuse to move, wasting a lot of time…bitterness doesn’t bother me any more albeit writing about it becomes harder.

      Thanks for those lovely words of appreciation, I am glad you like my poems. Push and shove…I have been trying all the tactics. Lets see when I get to set a fixed routine, not possible for a few years at least! What do you say for the hour of writing which just stares at me and moments just slip by?

      Thanks for fantastic suggestions. You too have a nice week 🙂

  6. I think we all share these fears Balroop — and sometimes, the only answer is to write bad to get to the good.

    when we write it out, we find the jewels beneath the rocks, the beauty in amidst the thorns.

    Keep writing. Your heart is calling you to write yourself out. However you do it, keep doing it!

    And I love this image — scaring the life out of my fingers,

    Hugs

    1. Hi Louise,

      Thanks for sharing your pearls of wisdom, we look forward to such support from each other to get ahead. You lyrical prose is like music that soothes. I have found many ‘jewels’ since I met you.

      Yes dear friend, I am determined to keep moving and find that ‘beauty in the thorns’, as suggested by you.
      Love always.

  7. Writer’s block. But it seems to be more than that.
    One has to become very brave if one wants to write anything and everything about one’s life. It is like laying oneself bare.
    With me it’s the other way around. It’s as if I lose track of time when writing, often end up writing what I should not. Even here on this blog I do that though it’s a very new blog and I should tread with care.
    I suppose writing a book would be different.

    1. Hi Alka,

      This is more than the usual block, which writers talk about. I face that block only for finding a good topic. Once I have a topic, rest goes quite smoothly.

      I am known to be quite brave too but writing about darker hues of life is affecting my positive writing, which I try to keep up despite all the regression that keeps pulling me.

      It is good that your words and ideas move so spontaneously. I like to read them. Thanks for sharing your view, much appreciated.

      1. Hi Balroop,

        Maybe it’s just a phase. Soon you will be able to sort out whether you want to write about ‘it’ or not. You think you want to but something is resisting. Quite like people who open their mouth to speak, only to lose their voice and stutter.
        Yeah I do write/type randomly with closed eyes but that’s not a way to become a serious professional writer.
        See, all that I wrote above may also not make much sense in your context but I wrote nevertheless 🙂

        Hope you find a way in whatever you are trying to write.

      2. Thanks Alka! Yes, I too think it is just a phase. I am moving forward as I refuse to be deterred by passing thoughts that disillusion, I feel I have the strength to push them aside and make way.

  8. Oh, yes that little word stealing monster comes to visit me at times as well. Keep on expressing from your heart and deep in your soul and the little devil will go away.

    “Words are more powerful than the sharpest weapons.” YES.

    Love this topic, Balroop.

    1. Hi Lisa,

      You are so good at picking up the heart of the whole post! Together we can scare that monster away! Come, lets join hands! Thanks, dear friend…you are awesome!

  9. I don’t write
    You don’t write
    S/he doesn’t write

    In blessed moments,
    “blessed” are made to write !!

    In some cases those moments last for a few months. Some cases years and in some cases a life-time. In a few other cases, these moments come and go, come and go !!

  10. Thanks for putting it so well in verse! I know, lets count our blessings…we would never whine if we constantly remind ourselves that we are indeed “blessed” 🙂

    Love your perspective.

  11. Hi Balroop! You said you were struggling so terribly but had finished two books! That is pretty amazing! With what you are struggling with here above to you think you could apply what worked for the two books you finished my sweet friend? Of course the subject matter could have a huge difference and influence on for each writing project. Don’t forget to always pat yourself on the back because I think you do a spectacular job!! Have a great day 🙂

    1. Hi Mike,

      I could finish those two books without any struggle because I didn’t face any monsters of the past, which block my way now and drag me back into those corridors I had quit long ago, pledging never to enter. Obviously I have to face them now that I have decided to write about that past I have been pushing and shoving.

      Thanks for those lovely words…I would like to believe them! 🙂

  12. “Your writings are your emotions, which I can read and understand easily” these words were said by my husband a few months back when he had read one of my poems. May be because I write whenever I am upset . I think a lot before writing, so many times I make poems in my sleep just to feel relieved (you must be laughing). Earlier I used to write and tear the page off after reading it two or three times, so that no one can see what I have written. Then I started writing in a diary and tried to keep it to me. But you know as I said ……….”You have the power of words to charm”
    waiting for your book .
    Hope we get to meet this year.

    1. Thanks Daljeet! Good to see you and I am glad that you are recording your poems and thoughts in a diary, it is a wonderful way to give vent to your emotions. Tearing them off is just like pushing them under the carpet. Some day you will have so many poems that you can make a book out of them.

      I am so happy that you took some time out to share your feelings. They are greatly appreciated.

  13. Balroop…Great post… I think you´ll figure it out with time… Something you can try is to record your thoughts in the cell phone and then put them down in words… I think this might be useful… I used it when I studied and when I feel down or want to say something to someone I sometimes record it … If there has been an argument it is agreta method as it helps you clarify your own feelings and thoughts…
    Anuhow I am sure that your book will be beautiful .. So it ´s a matter of time I guess.
    Love and all the best to you. Aquileana 😀

    1. Hi Aquileana,

      Thank you for awesome tips. Sometimes I do put my thoughts down immediately in the phone but at times i keep wondering whether they are worth sharing…I feel negative thoughts need to be dumped than shared.

      Thank you so much for the wishes. Love you too, dear friend. Stay blessed.

  14. Thanks for sharing your struggles here as a writer, Balroop. I’ve faced something similar on topics that were very difficult for me to write about. A few feelings came up which made it impossible to write – not sure if any of these resonate with you but here were mine 1) writing that will be seen by others when I wasn’t sure if they would be ready to read it 2) reliving the story and creating more pain in my life and 3) ultimately not being interested in a story that better just lie in my memories and in my past than come out and ruin the day. lol Some stories are scary/painful that we are better off not reliving them. And some stories we can just put off til another day til we are ready to write it.

    I just try to focus on writing each day – a little at a time. The story I write doesn’t have to be the story I want to write. The words may come out entirely different than the intention I had for the day. Maybe it’s writing without expectations? Writing without demands on our soul and our creativity? 🙂

    1. Hi Vishnu,

      All the three points you have shared have held my hand, warned me against sharing true feelings and shown me daggers to keep all that has been buried within those graves yet there comes a time when all such monsters become powerless and we can abdicate all those apprehensions. Reliving the past becomes essential at such times…pain becomes its own antidote to support our sentiments. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing your perspective on writing, it gives an impetus to our creativity!

  15. Our stories choose us and if we don’t tell them, then we are somehow diminished. (Honor Moore, poet and author). Hang in there Balroop! I wrote a first draft of a book and there was this character in it I absolutely loathed…so I took him out to have a few private dialogues (sort of an authorial intervention thing). He sneered at me naturally. And I felt so good killing him the way I killed him. Funny thing is, after his death, I lost interest in writing and had restart my fire. So he appeared, posthumously, still sneering at the main character, his much-beleaguered wife who had turned the tables on him) but I felt better. Yeah, talk…I’m God here and I killed you dead.

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