Why Most Men Develop Cold Feet Over Emotional Issues

Men and emotionsMen are most enthusiastic to woo a woman, they try to please her in every possible way, show how cultured and chivalrous they are and are ready to cross all the bridges to win her trust.

Once they succeed and feel that they have the commitment and the comfort of a home, they withdraw, try to find pleasure in other activities and may even drift into the arms of another woman.

Emotions and relationships don’t move them or they pretend so!

They hide behind stereotype:

They don’t try to come out of the closet and love to dwell in the age-old traditional mold created for them, by the society. They have been told ‘to be a man.’ They take pride in that role assigned to them ages ago. Man, you have to move with the changing times! You have to open your heart. Emotions are easier than science or space. If women can learn both why can’t you?

They don’t share their fears:

It goes against male ego to admit that something scares them. They feel threatened by the strength and power of women, more so in the modern set up. The emotional quotient and resilience of their partner is intimidating and they try to diminish it by exhibiting their control. In some cases it goes beyond that and it comes out in the form of anger, their most loved emotion!

They evade family bonds:

Most of the bonding with the extended family is nurtured by women. Men like to sit and bask in the glory of family get together, without caring for the food to be served, the gifts to be given and the pleasing talk to be shared. They can easily learn all this but they don’t make an effort. Such an attitude affects the next generation too.

Emotional upheavals shatter them:

They lack the ability to process emotions in a positive manner. They thrive on negative emotions like anger, aggression and denial. It is not true that they don’t feel the loss or the rejection. They don’t want to accept and admit that they are upset. They want to handle their grief in their own manner, which isolates them. When you hide your emotions, it takes a longer time to emerge out of anguish.

Emotions

They don’t want confrontation:

They avoid an argument because they know they won’t be able to carry it forward. The moment they are asked a personal question like ‘why are you so quiet’, ‘what is perturbing you?’ They draw into their shell, which makes them emotionally aloof. Men don’t like to give explanations; don’t like to discuss; they just know how to give orders. Even those who don’t give orders and are gentle by nature are less expressive.

They wear a mask:

They are emotionally challenged but don’t like criticism. Isn’t it strangely paradoxical? Even a random inadvertent comment can hurt them but they pretend to be okay. They learn to live with hypocrisy and are adept at wearing different masks for different occasions. They don’t want to accept that they need to learn emotional language. They are more comfortable with texting than looking into your eyes to say what they want.

They consider expression of emotions a ‘Drama’:

Emotionally expressive persons are dubbed as ‘drama queens’ and are often ignored. Men make no effort to understand why emotional outbursts become uncontrollable, why tears flow spontaneously and how much of truth is there in such emotions. I have seen boys more expressive till adolescence sets in and then they start learning the clichés and concealing true emotions.

They don’t want to show their true colors:

Emotional insecurity keeps them guarded and some of them can lie to keep their feelings under wraps. If you try to dig deeper, they may burst out saying ‘you are interrogating!’ They are scared of blurting out something they might regret later. Their primitive image of a protector and a provider still follows them. It is reinforced by mothers who take pride in raising domineering sons.

Disclaimer: The above observations are based on my own experiences and understanding. There could be exceptions as there always are.

If you know any such exceptional men or you are the one, I would love to hear your views.

If you have ever made an effort to learn more about emotions and how to share them, you are most welcome to discuss them here.

Thank you for reading this. Your support is immensely appreciated.

If you have liked this article, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.

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29 thoughts on “Why Most Men Develop Cold Feet Over Emotional Issues

  1. Men may be taken as a case by case situation. Artist brother is single but cares and is sensitive. He has been serious and helped taken care of my own 3 children and ex-girlfriends children. I have had three husbands, only one was sensitive but was alcoholic, so I could not tolerate the mood swings and binges.
    My youngest runner/ professor brother has been married 25 years. He has a genuine kind heart. I have met men of many kinds. I have also had “cold” unfeeling friends who were females, Balroop. Interesting topic! 🙂

    1. Hi Robin,

      So interesting! You have a wider view, I often wonder why people around me are so insensitive and their number is so great that the genuine ones, with a kind heart go unnoticed. You are so lucky to have caring brothers.

      We got to have a discerning eye to understand ‘real men.’ Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. Stay blessed! 🙂

  2. Well, I think you’ve figured us out Balroop 🙂 In my defense, I can say that even if that’s how we are, each of us can still change and become emotionally healthier. Culturally and socially, I was not shown how to express emotions in a healthy way or at all. It took awhile to figure this out and with awareness, I’ve started moving away from the kind of man you describe and am a newer, better version of myself 🙂

    1. Hi Vishnu,

      Your view comes like a whiff of fresh air. It is so heartening to note that you agree men need to make efforts to learn emotions and become emotionally healthy.
      I am glad you have been making efforts to become a better version of yourself. 🙂

      Thank you for standing by, much appreciated.

  3. Hi Balroop,

    You are SO right in all that you mentioned 🙂

    Men will be men and no one can change them, unless they wish to change and get better! As Vishnu mentioned above, culturally and socially, especially in our society, men aren’t shown the way to express their emotions. In fact, simple things like crying in public is not taken well!

    Your points are all spot on, especially the one about wearing a mask and not showing their real selves, or their true colors. I wish they were more open and transparent like women, isn’t it?

    Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂

    1. Hi Harleena,

      You are right, unless they wish to change!! Mothers have a significant role in raising emotionally sensitive children and the modern generation is awakening to this responsibility. I hope the next generation would be able to understand emotions better than ours.

      Hypocrisy is ingrained in human beings and men are able to hide their true selves because they evade questions and don’t discuss their issues. Even those who do, tell half the truth. Relationships would become much smoother the day men open up their hearts and minds. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing your perspective. You too have a blessed week.

  4. Excellent piece, Balroop. At times, men might be socially withdrawn because of cultural reasons or cultural stigmas. In my family, I’ve seen this more times than I can count and quite often this affects their relationships with others around them. By repressing their feelings, they often think that they are “in tune” and in control of themselves. If don’t do anything about it, they become self-destructive – internally and towards those around them.

    I agree with you that “drama” tends to be associated with emotion. It is true…when we get emotional, sometimes we let our emotions out and everyone will stare. Then again, sometimes we need the attention of others and more importantly their help in order to move along – whether we are man or woman or anyone or thing in between.

    1. Hi Mabel,

      Thank you for the kind words. I believe men don’t make any effort on their own to communicate their emotions and therefore much is left to the imagination and understanding of others around them. To some they appear to be rude while others may call them heartless whereas both could be wrong notions.

      It is indeed detrimental for their own emotional and mental health as well as relationships. We can express ourselves without much ‘drama’ if we learn to understand that feelings occupy a very important place in our lives.

  5. Right, that men possess all these traits. The notions that ‘boys don’t cry’ and ‘boys don’t feel pains’ made them wear the mask. They have all those positive feelings women usually have, they just don’t want to show them thinking those to be their signs of weakness. The mindset, the things that are instilled in them through ages, through genes are responsible for this kind of behaviour. But, times are changing and, so the people, both males and females. House husband or metrosexual are common words now, males are breaking the stereotyping. I’ve friends (males) who don’t hesitate to reach out when they are emotionally ill, just like my female friends.
    Let’s hope that after a good many years, maybe… all our male counterparts shall understand and develop a healthy emotional constitution… 🙂

    1. Hi Mani,

      Why do we still tell the boys the same age-old dialogues…that is my question and concern. If technology can go to the skies, why can’t our boys learn to deal with emotions, which form an integral part of our lives?

      Yes, they are changing but it is very slow and our own homes keep reinforcing the same old philosophy of ‘not showing the tears’ and ‘be strong’, which actually makes them weak. I hope that modern mothers would let the boys experience their emotions and mature in their natural manner. Emotional Quotient also needs to be nurtured.

      Thank you for expressing your view, much appreciated. 🙂

  6. Great write up…as always!
    Yes, what you write is true to large extent…of course there are all sorts of men around. I guess quite a bit is genetic and rest is situational or how they have been brought up or expected to behave.

    1. Thank you arv! I hope you would step out of the stereotypes and defeat the genes. Photography makes us quite sensitive as we see beyond the ordinary. 🙂 Stay blessed!

  7. In my experiences, it is safe to say that “people” (not just men!) who behave as you describe do so from a core of insecurity and vulnerability. The full gamut of emotions and feelings are certainly there, as humans we all have them, but in the interest of self-protection (from real or perceived threat or hurt) they are compartmentalized and hidden away.

    1. Welcome to Emotional Shadows. Thank you for standing by to share your view, much appreciated.
      I agree insecurities do play a significant role in defining emotionally challenged people. Emotions may be there but the inability to express them at the right time, in an appropriate manner is the whole dilemma.

  8. Very observant description, Balroop. I’m very fortunate to be with a man now who is not afraid to show his emotion. However, I can think of a few men who fit this description. They’re afraid to open up and be vulnerable. I like how you started the post, where you describe the lengths a man will go to to ‘win a woman’s heart’ but it’s after he has that heart that requires his attention.

    1. Thank you Lisa. My observations are based on real life experiences, which includes men of various age groups…from uncles to nephews and even my students who considered me a psychologist too!
      I am glad you have the right person around you. An emotionally healthy person can change the whole aura of a relationship. Stay blessed 🙂

  9. My ex had definite issues with sharing his emotions, but it was hard to tell because he was at the same time willing to be very sharing and caring in others. It’s just so difficult to say what’s going on inside someone’s head and why they will and won’t share certain things. It’s strange too because I thought my ex was okay at sharing and opening up a bit, but we met so young, I guess I didn’t know any better. I’m now with someone who opens up by leaps and bounds, tough readily admits he still has a lot of areas to work on. That willingness to admit that is a good thing.

    1. I agree with you Jeri, it is difficult to figure out what is there in the mind and heart unless a person expresses it. I think real strength lies in admitting that you need to work on some aspects of your personality rather than living in the world of denial. Those who have the courage to speak out this truth can accomplish trust, which is so hard to build up.
      Thanks for sharing your view. I am glad you have met the right man. 🙂

  10. An interesting post Balroop. I guess much of it depends on the cultural conditioning. In our country men are usually expected to behave in a certain way, to stick to certain stereotypes, maintain a certain degree of emotional aloofness but such notions are changing slowly with the changing times. Lets hope that more and more mothers share such words of wisdom with their sons. 🙂

    1. Hi Somali,

      Cultural conditioning is just an excuse, that’s why I have used the phrase ‘they hide behind the stereotype’…emotional intelligence can be developed and embellished like any other talent or trait. Probably men don’t want to make an effort or they feel they would lose their traditional role though they have already lost it in many urban societies, with women stepping out to earn their livelihood. They too have broken many glass ceilings and they could do so because there was the will…where there is will there is a way. 🙂

  11. Interesting post, Balroop. I think emotional vulnerability is hard for both sexes, though harder for men due to cultural stereotyping. Sometimes women cling to the old stereotypes of men as much as men do, so men get mixed messages. I know many kind-hearted men who do their best to be good spouses and husbands. My husband is far from perfect (just like me), yet he is loyal and loving and supports my dreams and endeavors. The good news is we are always learning and changing, hopefully to a heart-based center.

    1. Hi Diana,

      I am so glad to have met one gentle and kind man, who has moulded me with his love though he could never express his emotions explicitly, leaving much for me to figure out. It took me a number of years to understand how warm and altruist he is as he appears to be a hard nut on the surface. We have been married for 35 years.

      While it is easy to understand women, it is very difficult to do so in case of men. I too know some good men but they are not good at sharing their real emotions.

  12. Most men I’ve been in contact with so far were exactly acting this way Balroop, which made it hard for me to deal with them.
    Some are different, more intuitive or sensitive. I met one like this. He is a good friend.
    I find it hard to understand men. It’s maybe why I have such a hard time with them!

    1. It is not just you Marie, most women I know agree that it is hard to understand men and the reason is obvious…they don’t communicate their feelings and even if they do, they are fond of wearing masks for different occasions. The real emotions never come out. Only we discover them after a long interaction.

      Thanks for sharing your view. Hope you are having a nice week.

  13. I am guilty too! I feel we just take things for granted…the reason could be because our attention has got diverted to other activities now (and not pleasing the lady) 🙂

    1. Ha ha! You just accepted (in a circumvent way) that you are one of those men I have described!! Thanks for the endorsement. I appreciate your honesty Joe.

  14. Hi Balroop! While I agree that I’ve witnessed many men who exhibit the traits you share but I’ve also been privileged to know others that only show some of them…and all at different degrees. To me I don’t believe that character traits are all or nothing–nor do they fit all of a gender. I guess I see the world in many, many shades of gray and do my best to avoid black and white labels whenever possible. Also, from a metaphysical perspective I do my best to remember that what I usually find what I’m looking for, so I do my best to expect the best!

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