Why Some Relationships Remain Shallow?

Dealing with Shallow Relationships

Some relationships never grow beyond the ordinary. Why? This question may seem a little prickly but the answers remain within our reach.

My observation seems to suggest that arrogance and hypocrisy are the two major malefactors albeit their tentacles spread wider than we can comprehend.

If Indifference doesn’t bother you, if neglect has crept into your relationship, if you seek perfection, if you remain frozen in time, seeking change, if you expect your partner to change …no miracle can save you.

Have you ever tried to catch a butterfly? If you haven’t, I beseech you to try! Patience and perseverance that you would learn while trying to catch those winged whizzes would add another dimension to your personality. Connections that are made with heart go beyond immeasurable depths.

Relationships grow if they are nurtured with trust. “Secrets are festering parasites to a relationship, devouring their hosts from within, leaving behind a empty hollow husk of what once was.” – Mark W. Boyer

Do you repose all-embracing trust in each other?

Lack of trust is an offshoot of arrogance. Those who keep secrets within their heart just because they can’t trust their partner completely fail to understand the significance of this value. Probably they consider themselves better or suffer from their internal struggles. Some insecurities gnaw at their heart, which can never be dispelled if they do not share them.

Do you keep the channel of communication open?

Lack of honest communication creates chasms that keep growing wider. When we share our weaknesses, our failures, our thoughts about day-to-day activities, when we bare our heart honestly, we can expect the same from our partner. Some persons are intuitive enough to understand while others have to dig deeper to tell their introvert partners to speak out.

Do you try to dominate?Shallow people quote

Control and dominance has no place in a good and healthy relationship. Any such attempt by either partner would lead to confrontation, thereby resulting in conflicts. While conflicts are an imperative part of decent relationships, anybody who tries to control our thoughts, smother our personality, impose his/her desires or manipulate us ingeniously falls below the expected level of reverence. Such a person can never earn it back.

Do you hold silent grudges?

Passive aggression can cause unimaginable harm to relationships. People who are passively aggressive hold a lot of negative energy within themselves and it molds their thoughts. Since they choose to withhold all those feelings of anger and resentment within their heart, wearing a mask of pretended goodness, it cannot reach anybody.

Do you pretend to be truthful?

Lack of truthfulness trivializes the solemnity of relationships. One lie leads to another, one broken promise manifests itself into growing resentment and disillusionment slowly gives way to doubts, which keep mushrooming and clouding our mind. A true confession, an honest apology and forgiveness may cement a wobbly trust.

Do you look into the eyes of each other?

Digital world has robbed us of intimate moments. With eyes on their digital devices, preferring to text than talk, giving half attention to your partner prevents deep conversations. How rightly has Erik Pevernagie observed: “When there is no interaction in the neural network and no breakthrough into the mind but only a shallow skin experience, living together might be very torturous. If a heartfelt bond has not been molded, nothing can be broken and thus nothing needs to be fixed.”

Shallow minds can not think beyond their own desires and diktats. If you are struggling in such a relationship, it is time to introspect and break free before it gets too late.

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.





61 thoughts on “Why Some Relationships Remain Shallow?

  1. Your list resonates with me, and I’m sure just about anyone old enough to vote. 😀

    It’s a timeless issue which passes from generation to generation. Many learn relationship behavior from parents and friends, and many things on your list [are] learned behavior. Many are just relationship ammunition, pure and simple. Vulnerability is to be avoided. Men are ‘schooled’ to show no emotion. Women are ‘schooled’ to use emotions to manipulate, and both sexes are always on alert for the next relationship… maybe ‘The One” who will ‘complete them.”

    Perhaps instead of searching for the person to complete us, we should endeavor to be complete BEFORE entering a relationship. Then, when joining with another, the best of each can shine through focusing on the trust, honesty, and commitment needed to avoid all semblances of shallowness… and continued searching.

    Thought-provoking post! 😉

    1. I appreciate your insights Felicia, many thanks for sharing and suggesting what is needed before we enter a real relationship. I agree with you…if we look into our own imperfections and try to “complete” ourselves, we could find all those essential traits of trust, honesty and truthfulness in our own self. However, every person tends to think highly of himself/herself and that is when the conflicts ensue!
      A real relationship is the one, which is based on mutual respect and open communication. if we have to think before saying something even to our closet person then there is something missing. Thank you for finding this post thought-provoking. Stay blessed! 🙂

  2. Great analysis! You have attempted to list them all here. I have felt that difference in interests, ego clash are two of major relationship issues. While no one comes forward and accepts these problems, they silently distance two individuals.

    1. Thank you arv! I am glad you liked the list. I have written separate posts about arrogance and ego, whom I consider brother and sister and how they affect relationships. Ego clashes are undoubtedly major causes of conflicts in any relationship.

    1. Silent grudges are like hidden saws, cutting away chunks of a relationship unawares. So are the digital devices, which suck in most of the emotions.

  3. An excellent analysis! Shallow relationships are hard to identify because so many people are good at disguising what makes them shallow in the first place. A shallow relationship will discuss things, not feelings; results, not goals.
    You have rightly said : Digital world has robbed us of intimate moments.” 99% of your Facebook and Twitter friends aren’t really your friends. And don’t believe for a second that Facebook actually helps grow those so called friendships. Looking at someone’s Facebook timeline is like watching a highlight reel of their life. The bad parts are omitted and the good parts are amplified.
    Healthy, face to face interaction with others fulfills a deep need in us – the need to be known and know others.

    1. Thank you for liking my analysis. You are absolutely right Indra, a shallow relationship ‘discusses things, not feelings’ and any relationship is hollow without feelings or emotions, which are not shared. Isn’t it weird that people share Facebook and Whattsup posts while they sit next to each other? I would read the contents or show the picture to the person sitting near by and it may lead to a healthy discussion.

      1. Very true. Before as a dish arrived on the table, we used to see the dish, smell the aroma, taste the first bite/sip with some wonder. But now people immediately take out their smartphones, take snap and share on Instagram or Facebook and start counting how many likes/comments they got!!! Changing times, anyway!

  4. A well articulated post Balroop. Dominance of virtual communication over face to face communication, lack of tolerance and adjustment have all gone on to make relationships shallow. Lack of expressing ones feelings and emotions also dilute the essence of a relationship. And the worst enemy of a relationship is that today everything is centered around “I” rather than “We”!

    1. True! “I” or ego plays havoc with all kinds of relationships. Individualism has eaten into healthy connections and empathy for others. Thanks for sharing your insights.

  5. As the others have said, this is a well-articulated, thought out post, Balroop. Agree that lack of trust and communication are some reasons why some relationships feel unfulfilled or worse, that one party is being used. As you mentioned, no one of us like conflicts. But none of us can see eye to eye, and we have to agree to disagree if we were to take a friendship or romantic relationship or professional working relationship to the next level. The digital world is both a good thing and bad thing to happen to relationships. One one hand it allows us to communicate anywhere and anytime but it also has the potential to diminish face-to-face, heartfelt communication and feelings towards each us. It’s important to remember that one mode of communication may work better for someone, but not for others 🙂

    1. You are right Mabel, we have to agree to disagree but for that we need to keep the channel of communication open, we have to listen with an open mind and respect the view of other person, we can’t impose our opinion…if we understand all this, half the problem would get over and people won’t have to waste their time and money in seeking professional help. 🙂

  6. Arrogance and indifference severing relationships? Most emphatically, yes, because these disrupt communication between individuals which in turn fractures relationships. One may not agree with everyone on everything, yet if the line of communication is sustained, relationships survive, not otherwise. And that can happen only if arrogance and indifference are not given any accommodation…😋

    1. Many thanks dear Raj for saying it within few words! Relationships may be complex but could be made so easy to understand with such words of wisdom. We all need inspiring words to keep going. I appreciate your presence here as well as your reflections. 🙂

  7. This made me think of the difference between “shallow” relationships and “casual” relationships. I have lots of casual relationships, but they are genuine and friendly during the moments of connection. I don’t like how it feels to be “faking it,” whether I’m the giver or receiver, which was part of my experience as a teenager when I was so insecure. Growing up enabled me to be much more authentic and present. 🙂 Excellent post, Balroop.

    1. Thank you Diana for such a thought-provoking insight. Shallow and casual are surely different. While casual relationships are harmless and might grow into loving ones, shallowness doesn’t grow. It can only be left behind to dive into the depths to discover the pearls. 🙂

  8. Excellent dissection of relationships here B. Some of these issues we may be able to overcome and some, it’s up to those carrying their issues to deal with first themselves to be able to form better relationships themselves with others. I like Diana’s comment – ‘There’s a difference between shallow and casual relationships’. There are just some that we are betting walking away from. 🙂 x

    1. Thank you Deb, I am glad you liked this ‘dissection’…only when we break down thorny issues into little pieces do we gather the proficiency to deal with them. 🙂

  9. Your list is comprehensive, Balroop. Very insightful. I can say from experience, that some of these issues caused the break down of my marriage. Some I was guilty of, too. This is a good list to check going forward in a relationship. Thanks for your wise counsel 🙂 xo

    1. Thanks Lisa. When we are young, we don’t think about these issues and also feel we are above all this. Self-pride guides us, which is actually a step away from arrogance. I hope youngsters read this carefully and introspect before it is too late. 🙂

  10. Excellent reflections here, Balroop. I’ve been in controlling relationships and they are not healthy.. there are many factors that keep a relationship from earning that deep, genuine connection that makes for a meaningful one. I hope your weekend is wonderful 🙂

    1. You are right Christy, one who tries to control wants all for himself/herself…that is actually the beginning of their own decay. They too lose a lot! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂 Have a nice Sunday.

  11. Wow, what a great perspective on shallow relationships! The part of about the digital world is so true…sad but true. There are times when my spouse and I talk and rarely look up from our phones…I don’t always do it on purpose but I have been guilty of it.

    1. Thanks for the visit Rajjae, welcome to Emotional Shadows. I appreciate your view…when we are aware of our personality traits, which needs a change, that is a positive sign! 🙂

  12. I’ve learned a lot the past two years that just because I have always been honest and tried to have relationships with deep communication, that doesn’t mean the other person is necessarily capable of the same. As for the tentacles the digital world can twist a relationship with… well, let’s just say I’ll be writing a book about that.

  13. ***If Indifference doesn’t bother you, if neglect has crept into your relationship, if you seek perfection, if you remain frozen in time, seeking change, if you expect your partner to change …no miracle can save you.***
    –Balroop, such wisdom here.

    xxx from Duluth.

  14. Thank you for sharing this. I have felt that relationships with family and friends has become relatively shallow over the years. It seems like most people only care about what is going on in their little bubbles and do not really care about what others are going through. It really is kind of sad. I try to still be the best person I can be even to those who do not seem to really care about other people lives!

    1. Thanks for sharing your perspective Alyssa and welcome to Emotional Shadows, where all emotions are cared for. You would find much solace here. 🙂

      1. Thank you so much! I really look forward to continue reading your posts. We all go through a lot in life and some of us keep things bottled up for way too long!!

  15. “Shallow minds can not think beyond their own desires and diktats”… That´s so true…. Shallow people are often selfish… and at the end of the day, you totally forgot what you shared with them… even if you might have felt you were having fun… You make some great points here, dear Balroop… A must read…. Thank you for sharing your valuable thoughts and experiences. You help everyone by doing so… Much love xxoo 😀 ❤

    1. Thank you dear Aquileana, I am so glad you found these thoughts valuable. I share my observations so that we could introspect and avoid being such people who get disliked. Much love back to you. 🙂

  16. Balroop, this is an excellent study on relationships and the pitfalls that can fell them. Just one of these can cause a relationship to start to falter, any of these cause it to remain shallow as both parties have to be open, free of ego, honest and non-manipulative – and yes, look up from those tablets and into each other’s eyes! BTW I’ve spent many happy hours butterfly catching, often when my son was young and we had the most wonderful intensely alive and warm time together.

    1. Wow! I am delighted that butterfly catching allured you and your son…such memories are eternal source of happiness…moments that remain etched in our mind! Relationships grow like this. Even when we grow up, such crazy activities could add depth to them.
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts Annika, always appreciated and loved. Stay blessed!

  17. Balroop, you have touched on all the right chords in the music of human relationship, hence the reading of this post was musical ti my ears, and the relationships which is so vital to our basic existence and living the life the way we live. Life without relationship is as much difficult to imagine as has been the case of today’s life with the digital world. “Text has overtaken the Talk…”

    Very profound question why some relationship remain where they are and never cross the bridge to become what we otherwise never wished to be i.e. beyond ordinary. So rightly spotted it hinges on the words of arrogance and hypocrisy, and that manifests in our ego that we become so possessive of it that we just don’t let it go and letting go become our constraint in nurturing good relationships in life. Communication, communication and communication, and it has be honest communication that break these barriers and build bridges of solid and sustainable relationships in our life. The confession, the expression what is within and the sharing of pain, joy to suffering to secrets can make us feel light and better in how we lead our life. Never easy to suppress our passive aggression which slowly but certainly builds up to eat us within, as is the case of uneasy secrets that acts like parasites and eats us within and leave hollow and shallow…trust earns trust and trust fights all evils and devils that keep hitting our mind and makes question everything in our relationship, and then start the fissures in the otherwise strong and solid fabric of relationships…we are all living in a world massive trust deficit.

    This post I must say is deeply profound in its manifestation, and with your brilliant dexterity on employing the words and thoughts, the essence of this powerful idea of yours has touched the true nerves of readers like me…by the way I love dissecting such topic of thought provoking insights.
    Have a soul full of solace this weekend.

  18. Many thanks dear Nihar for your insights and ‘dissection’ of this post. I am glad that it could touch the right chords. You are so kind and seem to understand relationships quite well! Communication is the key, which we all understand yet fail to speak our true emotions. Hopefully many readers would introspect. Have a nice weekend and stay blessed.

  19. So many good points here within your post dear Balroop that you have pointed out as to why some relationships remain shallow and do not grow.. I was nodding my head to many points, and also at the same time giving thanks that my own relationship has grown deep through the values of respect, tolerance and compromise 🙂
    Wise words you have given us to ponder upon Balroop 🙂
    Love and Blessings my friend xx

    1. Thanks Dear Sue, your kindness and respect gleams through your words and those who ponder always are blessed with endearing relationships. Love and blessings back to you. 🙂

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