Is Diplomacy in Relationships Good?

Relationships thrive on sensitivity, trust and honesty. They have to be nurtured and understood. Diplomacy rests on the plank of ‘think, evaluate and speak.’ It encourages you to hold your true opinion, which could be helpful at work places, not within the families.

If you have to choose your words before communicating, if you can’t speak out your mind clearly, if you think your words may hurt, if you have to pretend that you agree with the other person, such a relationship can never develop beyond the surface. It can never become endearing. It may establish some business links and even facilitate an agreement between co-workers but it doesn’t build a rapport with friends, siblings or cousins.

A true friend can look in your eyes and read your thoughts. A sibling would be able to cross the bridge of camouflage that you may have learnt to erect with time and age. Your spouse too would get the whiff of walled emotions.

Sooner or later, your diplomatic answers start showing and give a mute message, which can be decoded by your spouse or an intuitive friend. They would either confront you or would start withholding their view and that is how unknown wedges are created in relationships.

There is a very thin line between diplomacy and hypocrisy.

If you want your relationships to be warm and reliable in this world, which is drifting away despite instant connections, you must keep diplomacy out of your homes.

Are you a diplomat? A checklist:

• You don’t comment on sensitive topics
• You avoid confrontation
• You lie to defuse conflict
• You just nod even when you want to disagree
• You agree to follow up but never do
• You promise just to please others
• You never show your true self

There is no doubt that diplomacy within extended families promotes healthy relationships and a channel of reverence flows, comforting each one with the thought that they are loved. This delusion falls apart in the face of crisis. A teenager who rebels, a parent who refuses to accept change and an elderly member who stands in judgment are some of the situations that could push diplomatic behavior to its extreme ends. The façade could stand exposed!

Happy families are candid. They don’t wear masks and don’t detest unsavory remarks of each other. They learn to accept their imperfections and welcome criticism. They are eager to learn from their errors. They discuss all kinds of topics with an open mind. They give space to each member and respect freedom of thought and expression.

If you are outspoken and impulsive, you could land yourself in difficult situations but that is what we call a learning curve. Only an open family environment could prepare you for the challenges of life. Diplomacy has no place in nuclear families.

Tact and truth can blend well if we learn to handle sensitive situations with patience.

What is essential is:

• Time for each other
• Undivided attention
• Freedom of expression
• Constructive criticism
• Patience and perseverance

Do you like diplomacy? How did you learn it?

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Thank you for your support. Please share your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

© Balroop Singh.

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Love That Comes Back

‘Can you change the music Nana?’ my three-year-old grandson spoke very softly.

The music that plays in my car is always of my liking, soft, romantic and sentimental songs of the 50s and 60s that one could never get tired of.

‘You don’t like it?’

‘We can play it at some other time,’… his answer amazed me! For a moment I thought I was talking to a mature person.

I looked back and both my stars smiled at me.

The distance from their school to our home is hardly two miles and within that much time, they have to share their prattle and listen to peppy music too!

‘Nana, please put it loud,’ he keeps on requesting, oblivious of the fact that soft music would never seem loud.

‘We don’t listen to a very loud music, dear’ I say in my grandmotherly style but my advice goes unheard.

‘Daddy always puts it super duper loud!’ he proudly declares.

I rummage through the old collection of CDs lying in the glove box of my car and stumble upon a peppy mix.

‘I can’t hear anything,’ he says while I am still loading the CD.

‘Wait.’

A squeal hits the roof! Louder! The demand doesn’t wane.

We reach home even before a single song could be heard and in a moment everything is forgotten, with new puddles to jump into and splashing water all over, making bubbles and catching them, pushing and apologising till I announce lunch time.

Time passes by like a whirlwind and everyday we heave a sigh of relief when these express trains go home. The treasured moments we choose to spend with our grandchildren are special because they testify that love returns, empty nest fills again with glee and giggles. I love the expression on their faces when they softly whisper… ‘Nana I love you.’

Each stage of childhood is awesome, each milestone precious, each hug emits the love of the whole world and we are glad we can share it more than their parents who are rushing (like once we did) to meet the challenges of life.

When my children flew out of my nest, I was heartbroken, wondering what is left in life, as our lives seemed to be buzzing only with them.

Slowly we learned to live without them, trying to detach.

This is one of the poems I wrote at that time:

Wheel Of Time…

We search
Those tiny hands, which eagerly held us
Those dainty feet, which needed balance
Those lovely eyes, which emitted brightness
Those soft tears which needed endearment
Those fleeting moments that slipped by.

We take pride in
That unconditional love we shared
That eagerly sought guidance we treasured
That much needed support for each other
That joy of giving
That pain of separation!

We know
The wheel of time moves on
New bonds, new ties ignite
Moments fleet, memories drift, shadows glide
There is always hope
At the horizon we seek.

You search
The future, we search the past
The quest is common, perceptions differ
We soar with you, the flight is slow
We’ll be together
As past merges into future.
© Balroop Singh, 2003

We did soar with them, waiting, hoping and trying to peep into future, which is here!
Another poem that complements the older one:

Love Returns

We have found
Those tiny hands we searched
Those little feet that follow us
Those big eyes that beckon
Those angelic smiles to reckon

We take pride in
New love that is cuddlier
New bonds that clasp us
Delightful moments that glow
Rivulets of respect that flow

Now we know
If it pervades our souls
Love returns in another form
Detachment is just an illusion
It unlocks the secrets of delusion

Let’s not forget
Whatever you give comes back
Selfless and real love returns
Instill the value of love
Pour it in its purest form.
© Balroop Singh, 2018

Time for introspection!

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

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Balroop Singh.

 

Why Some Relationships Remain Shallow?

Some relationships never grow beyond the ordinary. Why? This question may seem a little prickly but the answers remain within our reach.

My observation seems to suggest that arrogance and hypocrisy are the two major malefactors albeit their tentacles spread wider than we can comprehend.

If Indifference doesn’t bother you, if neglect has crept into your relationship, if you seek perfection, if you remain frozen in time, seeking change, if you expect your partner to change …no miracle can save you.

Have you ever tried to catch a butterfly? If you haven’t, I beseech you to try! Patience and perseverance that you would learn while trying to catch those winged whizzes would add another dimension to your personality. Connections that are made with heart go beyond immeasurable depths.

Relationships grow if they are nurtured with trust. “Secrets are festering parasites to a relationship, devouring their hosts from within, leaving behind a empty hollow husk of what once was.” – Mark W. Boyer

Do you repose all-embracing trust in each other?

Lack of trust is an offshoot of arrogance. Those who keep secrets within their heart just because they can’t trust their partner completely fail to understand the significance of this value. Probably they consider themselves better or suffer from their internal struggles. Some insecurities gnaw at their heart, which can never be dispelled if they do not share them.

Do you keep the channel of communication open?

Lack of honest communication creates chasms that keep growing wider. When we share our weaknesses, our failures, our thoughts about day-to-day activities, when we bare our heart honestly, we can expect the same from our partner. Some persons are intuitive enough to understand while others have to dig deeper to tell their introvert partners to speak out.

Do you try to dominate?

Control and dominance has no place in a good and healthy relationship. Any such attempt by either partner would lead to confrontation, thereby resulting in conflicts. While conflicts are an imperative part of decent relationships, anybody who tries to control our thoughts, smother our personality, impose his/her desires or manipulate us ingeniously falls below the expected level of reverence. Such a person can never earn it back.

Do you hold silent grudges?

Passive aggression can cause unimaginable harm to relationships. People who are passively aggressive hold a lot of negative energy within themselves and it molds their thoughts. Since they choose to withhold all those feelings of anger and resentment within their heart, wearing a mask of pretended goodness, it cannot reach anybody.

Do you pretend to be truthful?

Lack of truthfulness trivializes the solemnity of relationships. One lie leads to another, one broken promise manifests itself into growing resentment and disillusionment slowly gives way to doubts, which keep mushrooming and clouding our mind. A true confession, an honest apology and forgiveness may cement a wobbly trust.

Do you look into the eyes of each other?

Digital world has robbed us of intimate moments. With eyes on their digital devices, preferring to text than talk, giving half attention to your partner prevents deep conversations. How rightly has Erik Pevernagie observed: “When there is no interaction in the neural network and no breakthrough into the mind but only a shallow skin experience, living together might be very torturous. If a heartfelt bond has not been molded, nothing can be broken and thus nothing needs to be fixed.”

Shallow minds can not think beyond their own desires and diktats. If you are struggling in such a relationship, it is time to introspect and break free before it gets too late.

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

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Balroop Singh.

 

 

 

True Love Or Perfect Love?

Have you met true love? Is there anything called perfect love? These thoughts have been pestering me since I have read Vishnu’s latest book.

I don’t post all the reviews of the books I read at my blog but whenever my oldest blogger friend Vishnu (who visited my blog when it was more like a ghost abode) launches a book, he stirs my emotions and thoughts and I find a connection to say more than just about his book.

This time his book focuses on relationships, love and emotions – the topics, which pull at the strings of my heart.

The very title of his book ‘Does True Love Exist’ is thought provoking and I had a lot to say even before reading this book. I have posted my formal review about his book but some reflections that have been fluttering in my heart have to be shared before I move ahead.

True love is a mirage… it does exist. We do get enamored and infatuated by it but we have to keep following it till eternity. One of my poems glorifies true love:

True love keeps smiling in our eyes
Like a fountain that never dries
It instills hope, respect, patience
The journey of love is so elating.
Read full poem.

True love could be romantic but it wears off if it is not watered consistently with affection, care, respect and kindness. Romantic love morphs into a loving and eternal relationship if we understand what is love.

Interpretations of love differ and are as varied as people around the globe.

Vishnu talks about finding a person of your choice and developing a loving and healthy relationship, which we all yearn for. Taking a cue from his personal experiences, Vishnu’s sane advice is to love yourself before you decide about the love of your life.

Love yourself?

While I agree with the concept of self-love, I have observed so much of self-love in some cases that it makes a person self-centered, self-obsessed with one’s own needs, which leads people into their own realms of being the masters, not just of the house they live in but of the lives of persons who live in their so called home.

True love?

Vishnu says it is possible to find true love if you meet people and keep eliminating them one by one. The thoughts that still reverberate in my mind after finishing his book are…Appearances are deceptive, people put up their best behavior when they want to impress and continue to do so till their motives are accomplished.

Aren’t imperfections part of our personality?

While nobody would choose an alcoholic, a cheater or a liar consciously, you need one full life to detect a pretender or a compulsive liar who poses to be loving and truthful, denies each time that he lied and promises that he wouldn’t.

True love cannot be found. It is not an artifact or a treasure, which could be discovered. It has to be learned and nurtured slowly. How rightly did William Shakespeare say: “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

Passionate love, love that claims to get the moon or the stars for us, fiery love…they are all forms of youthful, immature infatuation.

True love is a fairy tale, which can be transformed into reality by rewriting each chapter by hearing the whispers of each other’s heart, by believing in those whispers and absorbing the aches that lie within.

True love is the journey of lifetime across the rough sea, weathering all the storms on a surfing board. You may not be able to hold each other’s hand when the tide is high but you know that somebody is around to take care!

Do you believe in such love?

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

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Balroop Singh.

4 Invaluable Gifts That A Mother Can Give

Mother – the first caretaker, the first emotional anchor, the first teacher and the only real Angel in the life of a child. She has to live up to all these expectations.

As a baby opens his eyes, it is the mother’s face that fascinates him, it is the mother’s heartbeat he can hear, it is the mother’s tender touch that she can recognize, the same touch that gives a feeling of security, a unique bonding that is created in the womb and always remains special.

With her unconditional love, intuitive understanding and selfless sacrifices, she makes an indelible impression on the minds of her children. She is the sustaining force of a home and fills it with color and candor.

Guided by God Himself, she possesses divine instincts and therefore a mother’s influence is eternal and infinite…more effective than that of a father.

“It is mother’s influence during the crucial formative years that forms a child’s basic character. Home is the place where a child learns faith, feels love, and thereby learns from mother’s loving example to choose righteousness. How vital are mother’s influence and teaching in the home—and how apparent when neglected!”― Ezra Taft Benson

Besides love and understanding, a mother can give some priceless gifts:

Quality time: Can there be a better gift than spending time with our children? Time is the most significant factor and it fleets faster than our wishes. Mothers who spend quality time with their toddlers by giving them undivided attention could make a lasting impression on their minds. Reading books, painting, flying paper planes, floating paper boats and playing imaginative games with the kids makes everlasting memories.

As they grow older and their interests’ change, you have to adapt according to their choices but remember to do things together, whether it is cooking, baking or folding laundry or learning to play guitar, children love to get involved in all activities.

Positivity: A positive attitude is reflected in our behavior and way of living. When a mother knows how to be positive, she passes on that approach to her children effortlessly. Even little hurts of friends who don’t care can be interpreted in a positive manner by telling the kids that it is okay to forget, that the hurt was unintentional.

Respect: When children grow up with respect around them, they learn this value quite early. Observation is the most effective teacher and children learn from what they see. Make sure that you respect the desires and demands of your children. Empty promises or manipulations convey a wrong message. A mother who respects the father of her children and talks about his positive qualities even if he is not around, inculcates that respect lies at the basis of all relationships.

Independence: As mothers, the best gift which you can give to your children is to let them think freely and take their own decisions after they cross the most impressionable age. Mothers who tie their adult sons and daughters to the strings of their apron often create unnecessary problems for them. If you let them fly freely, they soar higher than your expectations.

No mother wants to be remembered as a bad mother. Human imperfections keep raising their ugly head to give a bad name to the unconditional love, which all mothers have in their heart.

What kind of a mother are you? Do you agree that a mother’s role is more crucial in raising a responsible individual? Please share your reflections.
Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.
If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.
Balroop Singh.