Why Some People Never Come Out Of Developmental Trauma

Developmental trauma

I think many people don’t understand it. By the time they become aware of this concept, which has been highlighted by the psychologists and psychiatrists, their attitudes have been formed and their behavioral traits well established.

Developmental trauma is the pain that slowly seeps into the psyche of a child, inflicting deep emotional lesions that never heal. If the emotions of a child are neglected or a parent is insensitive or tries to exercise excessive control and doesn’t know how to handle difficult situations, a child may carry those memories with him forever.

Developmental distress is not connected with inadequate care or nourishment albeit it does leave an indelible mark on a child’s developmental stages in cases of penury.

It is more significant in the building of a strong and balanced personality. Emotional aspect of one’s personality is equally important to build self-esteem, security and identity. Insecure emotional beings stem from the kind of upbringing they get at the early stages of their life.

Unpleasant memories stay in the subconscious mind and they keep surfacing, affecting our relationship with the parent or sibling who used or abused you in an unreasonable manner. Certain issues remain unresolved as we refuse to revisit them or we dismiss them as traumatic but they keep returning to haunt us.

Some people emerge out of this trauma if they try to address it or are resilient enough to understand that nothing can be changed about it. According to experts, this happens only in the later part of adulthood.

Developmental deficiencies get entrenched in our personality:

  • Emotional alienation – I have seen such people who struggle with emotional upheavals, who can’t find the right words to express their feelings, who seem to be bitter but are really suffering inside and don’t even have the courage to hug and cry. Probably they have never been hugged in their childhood when they felt the pain.
  • Masked identity – They try to cope up with their fears and insecurities by disconnecting themselves from their past and refuse to talk about it. They put up a bold front though they are broken inside. Their personal growth remains stunted unless they acknowledge and agree to accept the unavoidable that had happened to them.
  • Prejudiced perceptions – They live within their cocoon and refuse to come out. Only a very understanding and loving partner can drag them out. Some of them lack social and communicative skills and therefore don’t make an effort to mingle with the crowd. Often they misconstrue the positive overtures of others as intrusion into their private space.
  • Impeccable exterior – They consider themselves to be perfect and always blame others even for their unreasonable and illogical behavior. This façade of perfection is acquired during childhood when they could have felt inadequate or humiliated due to the expectations of a dominating parent or older sibling. They never move on!

Next time you meet somebody with behavioral issues that make you wonder what is wrong with this person, give a compassionate look and think twice before passing your judgment. He/she could be grappling with his own developmental demons.

Developmental demons

While professional help may be required to heal childhood wounds that keep festering, the first step is acceptance. Those who feel they can handle themselves by being independent and strong further plunge into darkest parts of their mind, pushing their well-wishers far away.

All children face traumas but react differently. Some grow up with a positive attitude and forget about those incidents, which were emotionally distressing while others have negative connotations about them. Those are the ones who have to deal with them all their life.

Thank you for reading this. Please share your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.

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The Amazing Power Of Kindness

power-of-kindnessKindness starts with you!

The power of kindness can only be felt within your heart from where it emanates.

Kindness may be innate but it doesn’t come to the surface if it is not nurtured with little acts of concern, if it is not fostered during receptive years of growth, if siblings don’t show kindness to each other and most importantly if parents lack it.

Self-centered parents who strive to show their superiority; who are in constant strife for one reason or the other leave an indelible mark on the psyche of their children with their demeanor. Kindness remains routed!

“Kindness is a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others.” This definition that I have picked from Wikipedia doesn’t seem to satisfy my understanding of the term as I have seen many ‘pleasant dispositions’ faking kindness.

One kind act can calm many emotions. One kind person in a family can cement many relationships.

There is one person in my life, whom I didn’t choose, who just happened to become the most important person for me not because I liked him but I happened to be connected with him by custom and law. Initially I was quite confused about him.

I had never really known love; so I cant say I loved him. But I could understand what is love through his interactions with me.

He never mentioned the word ‘love’ but I could see it; sense it and discern it through his little gestures of care. His ability to read my mind and doing exactly what I wanted before I could communicate my desires amazed me. Slowly I evolved into a different person.

He molded me with his boundless benevolence, without actually saying a word about my imperfections, arrogance and rudeness.

He never ever criticized me for anything even when he should have. With his kindness, he taught me those lessons of life, which nobody could ever force down my throat.

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Free Download only this weekend.

His kind words of giving a benefit of doubt to everybody around him amazed me. His equanimity, and complacency in the most difficult situations, his serene silence even when I argued my guts out enlightened me about the need to become a better person.

Like all human beings he is not perfect yet he evokes admiration. He is candid enough to say ‘I cant read your poetry’!

When I published Sublime Shadows Of Life and he heard praise from some of my friends, he secretly read a few of my poems and said… “You can write well!” I cherish his words as he is a person of few words and uses them judiciously. When he says something, everybody listens.

He is always by my side in whatever decision I take…wrong or right.

If this were not kindness then I would love to hear more about it.

When Mark Twain said, “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see,” he must be talking about the language of such little gestures of kindness, which can only be perceived with an intuitive eye.

It is only when we treat others with respect and parity that they learn to understand the value of these words. They become what they could have aspired. Kindness is like that candle, which gives its light to others and burns brighter.

My book ‘Allow Yourself To Be A Better Person’ can be downloaded FREE from 22 January – 23 January, 2017. Happy reading! I look forward to your kindness.

Grab your copy at amazon.com

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Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

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Balroop Singh.

 

It Was Not Just An Emotional Decision!

Not just emotional

Why I chose United States of America after retirement?

When people ask me why did you relocate to U.S.A, I have a very ready and simple answer…‘Strange is pull of your loved ones.’ Love is a dramatic driving force, the most powerful potion that we drink willingly.

When they ask how do I feel, I think about my blessings…I am nearer to my children and can meet them whenever I want.

My grandchildren don’t have to travel thousands of miles to hug me and then wonder why they live so far away. They would be having nice memories of their grand parents when they grow up.

I don’t have to wait to meet them and that too after a year or two.

Was it just an emotional decision? NO!

Emotions did play a significant role but little things do matter and so I would like to talk about those.

I admire my new surroundings for various reasons.

Healthy and fresh food:

I don’t know much about economic, health or security issues, which are universally relevant but I do know that the food which we buy here is much healthy and fresh, with all the nutrition labels, giving you the information what all you are going to consume. If I buy organic food, I don’t have to think whether it is actually organic. All kinds of cooked and ready to eat food are easily available for every pocket and palate.

DSC02277Landscaping and green cover:

When I look around how each and every empty space is aesthetically planned, kept clean and green, I get a reassurance that I have taken a good decision. Nature has always inspired and soothed me. Landscaping here doesn’t just look pleasing to the eyes; it also enhances our positivity, psychological and emotional well-being. I couldn’t have got better surroundings anywhere else. I just have to look out of the window to change my mood.

Discipline and courtesy:

People greet you with a smile, good morning or a hello when they pass by, instilling a feeling of goodness. Nobody stares or ogles at you! Nobody pushes you, the queues are most organized and people stand at a distance from each other. Nobody bumps into you and apologies are instant even if somebody happens to be in your way.

Road safety:

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No aggressive driving

Driving is stress free and most organized. People follow the rules and wait for their turn. Nobody drives aggressively, nobody gets into your way and lane driving is the norm, which is never flouted. You don’t have any fears that somebody might overtake or almost bump into your car from the side lane and scare you out of your wits.

Respect for pedestrians:

All vehicles stop for the pedestrian even when there is no intersection or zebra crossing. No driver expects you to stop and let him pass as the first right is given to the pedestrian. On busy streets, special road crossing devices have been installed to let the pedestrians take their turn to cross the road.

Respect for each other’s opinion:

People don’t shout you down and impose their own opinion on you. What you eat, wear and how you live is not anybody’s concern. Nobody intrudes into your privacy to comment on your body weight or sexual orientation. Peace and respect is a way of life here.

Peace:

Nobody honks. Even when you don’t happen to see within a second that the light has turned green. Nobody parks illegally. Handicapped parking is earmarked clearly in all parking areas and nobody flouts that rule. The dogs are well trained not to bark unnecessarily. No DJ’s, no loud music disturbs you at any time of the day or night.

Zero tolerance to littering:

You wont see even a little piece of paper anywhere in the parks, on the roads or anywhere near your home. In some areas where people don’t seem to bother, you could find a warning: $1000 fine for littering. Everyone respects the laws here or has to pay the penalty.

I have made some wonderful new friends. What more can you ask for? There must be more countries with such splendid amenities but this one suits me.

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Sky line from my window

Thank you for reading this. Your views are welcome. Please share them.

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Balroop Singh.

How To Deal With Insensitive People

Insensitive People

Insensitive people are all around us in the form of friends, family members, bosses and masked well-wishers. They spread their negative energy around us with their desires, diktats and decrees.

I have already written why people are insensitive, which is easier to understand than dealing with their behavior.

Often we get weary of the environment such people create and try to shun them yet we have to face them if they happen to be around us in the form of our family members. If they can’t be avoided then we must figure out the ways to deal with them.

My immediate boss was quite insensitive and judgmental. Most of my colleagues would try to please her by nodding their heads to whatever she said or expected. I could never be herded like cattle and so was always the target of her wrath.

I have had an early introduction to insensitivity, which endowed me with some capability to face such people.

Here are some ways to deal with them…

Understand them:

It is very easy to condemn others and arrive at our own conclusions about the way people behave. We never give a thought to why they do so. We feel it is not our problem!

How people treat you is all about them…and their personality, which reveals their real self in a subtle manner. You have to be intuitive enough to pick up those vibrations.

People react to your personality, potential and work according to their own perception, capability and emotional intelligence.

When people are rude, negative emotions dominate their behavior.

  • They could be anguished by their own frustrations
  • They could be struggling with their own problems
  • Somebody could have instigated them

When they are disrespectful

  • They could be biased
  • They could have been raised like that
  • They consider themselves self-righteous
  • They could be doing it out of spite

When they are indifferent

  • They can’t think beyond their own selves
  • They consider emotions to be pointless
  • They could be weak-minded

When they are disloyal

  • They are guided by their own insecurities
  • They could be self-centered
  • Financial instability cripples their thoughts

If we try to understand their circumstances, we may develop empathy for such people.

Easier said than done? I agree! But if your spouse happens to be insensitive to your love and concern, if he/she doesn’t acknowledge what all you do to make the home a happy place, how much effort goes in bearing insensitivity, you can’t just walk out of his/her life.

You have to devise ways to deal with insensitivity.

Convey your hurts, talk to them:

I would not like to say that it is easy. Only a patient and understanding person can do so as a lot of energy and emotions are involved in talking to such a person who can’t see logic. Each time you try to explain your view, they tune off as they live in their own world.

They have never been taught to respect the opinion of others. They fail to see beyond their own hurts, which appear to be mammoth. It can be emotionally draining but if you want to keep them in your lives, keep the channel of communication open.Talking helps

They would try to duck your questions.

They would prefer to remain silent.

They could even lie to avoid any discussion.

Why? Because they don’t want to expose their weaknesses. Actually such people are very weak at heart. Kindness doesn’t reach them…probably they have never seen it and feel confused.

I wouldn’t say you should give up your own kindness. This is a testing time but how far can you push your limits and let the other person cross your boundaries is what matters.

A reminder – Never accept emotional abuse. Self-love and self-esteem should never be trespassed while dealing with such persons.

Love and kindness doesn’t flow naturally, it has to be nurtured. If the other person doesn’t respond well, if strife is all that is around you, keep your thoughts positive. Positivity can be miraculous but you are the best judge to decide whether it is the time to step away.

Learn to take your own decisions. Too much dependence and too much goodness can be frustrating. Learn to strike a balance between love and servitude.

Sometimes give them back:

Use strong words to convey what you have been saying softly. Remind them how much you have done to boost their respect. Sometimes they understand the language of reprimand better than modesty.

If they withdraw into their shell, challenge them out. Tell them to convey their grievances openly. This step may reveal the reasons of their insensitivity.

I am sure you would emerge emotionally stronger, resilient and wise. The best lessons are learnt in the furnace of living through challenging situations.

Do you know any such person who is insensitive? Have you ever experienced the stress of dealing with such people? I would love to hear your views.

Thank you for reading this. Please share your valuable reflections.

If you have liked this article, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.

 

 

The Room…A Cherished Memory

That dark dusty room, always closed
With no chinks to peep inside
Children of the house often conspired
To enter, to explore… but how?

Everyday they made new plansold-world-rustic-wooden-door-with-bolts-and-padlock-399x600
Waited patiently to steal the keys
What would be the right time?
To give shape to their adventure!

Would it ever be possible?
With grandma keeping a close eye,
Supervising all the time
All the happenings of the day.

The room was right in the middle
Difficult to sneak in
Even during long afternoons
Or late at night which was scary!

Little Lovely had a plan
To enter one Sunday
But who would steal the key
From that dreaded drawer!

No child had an access to that drawer
None of them had ever dared
To defy the orders of the house
To keep away from the keys!

Who would listen to those orders?
When the promises of exploring
Guided the dreams of each other
When outshining was the sole aim!

With key already in her pocket
Little Lovely had already accomplished
The first step and proved
She was the smartest of the bunch!

The day was not far
The day all would be busy
With the celebrations of Sonu’s birthday
That was the planned day!

Sonu was told to keep company
Since he was the apple of their eye
The family would hardly notice
The pranks of missing children.

Curiosity drove Sonu away
From the venue of preparations.
Grandma couldn’t contain her worry
She alerted everyone!

The dark room was already open
All the children busy
Engrossed in their long awaited adventure
They were quite fearless!

All the trunks already open
All the pictures bare,
Loud voices, long discussions
Could be heard far!

Unaware of being watched
The children made plans
They needed more days to sneak,
More hours to explore!

The family elders watched amused
None of them balked
The children were given free access
To open the room everyday!
© Balroop Singh.

You can click on Sublime Shadows of Life by Balroop Singh to read more such poems.

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