This week I had shared my thoughts about the emotions attached with birthdays from the spectrum of a girl who yearned for care, affection and recognition in a society mired in biases. I appreciate all those who shared their insights and memories.
One of my friends, Hariod Brawn said: “…anniversaries of all kinds may evoke strong feelings within one. For myself, the strongest are those dates on which a loved one died.”
When I felt it was strange, he responded…
“Why do you find it strange that anniversaries of deaths are more emotional for me? I think that is a universal and quite natural state of affairs. Is it not?”
I don’t think so. It is not universal.
Death anniversaries could be emotional for those whose loved ones leave after fulfilling all their promises that they had made to themselves and their loved ones.
Death is beautiful only when you have lived your life. When it comes suddenly in the prime of youth, when it leaves behind unfulfilled hopes and desires, it is nerve shattering.
Such death anniversaries become traumatic, not emotional.
Because emotions lie scattered and shattered at such a time, the shards are too piercing, discordant and acrimonious.
Because you are too confused to gather the debris
Because the mourning is deafening, it seems futile, a façade and proves ineffectual
Because a lot of people try to confound you with words that seem hollow and simulated
None of those words soothe you
All that is more prominent and understandable is indignation and exasperation – extreme sense of revolt against destiny or God, whatever you believe in.
When your whole world falls apart, when you have to abdicate the little joys of childhood, when you have to fend for yourself, when your so called well-wishers wait for you to falter and condemn you for your immature acts…
It is at such times that death anniversaries become meaningless.
They bring along harrowing memories and festering wounds, which never heal.
When each day is spent in remembering those lost moments of unfulfilled yearnings,
When each day seems an uphill drive, with steering in the hands of an adolescent,
When faith lies prostrate at the alter of destiny
Such Death anniversaries are NOT emotional; they lose their sheen.
They are distressing; they only afflict pain.
All the positivity and spirituality fades in the face of hunger, which stares at you at such times.
Mourning continues till we meet our loved ones…in Heaven.
Their wailing grew louder
Onlookers stared, consoled
More mourners gathered.
Wailing became unbearable
It hit my heart.
Deep, down the chest
Some pressure, some unseen hand
Oppressed my breath.
Unspoken words, parched throat
But no wails.
I could not wail. Must I?
Do I need to pretend?
Please! Will somebody understand?
Can you detach me from tradition?
Please leave me alone.
Let me feel that cold touch.
I am STILL in mourning.